I remember shortly after Samuel and I started dating, he sent a message that said, “I don’t love you for who I would be able to mold you into. You are perfect in every way.”
I already knew his love for me through his actions, and his words only increased my trust in him and gave me a deep sense of inner peace.
Sometimes I find that what we believe and how we operate can be different. I think that’s part of the healing journey, realizing something, even knowing it deeply and choosing to live out the truth of what we know. It’s a continual process.
I know that I am and always will be regardless of what role I might have, my finances, etc. equal to my husband. Still, I have faced the hurt of feeling like my work doesn’t matter as much as his, that he is more highly valued in society than I am. Societal lies, trauma within my upbringing, and other factors have contributed to this pain.
I choose to lean on my husband’s love and his encouragement and to trust myself. I know that I may still struggle at times, but the conscious choices I make again and again are an important part of my healing process. I will lay the foundation of my own healing brick by brick. I am not alone.
Although I now reject the teachings of what is commonly referred to as the purity culture, I have found myself still affected by the misogynistic lies so normalized within this belief system. I’ll be honest in saying that I had to work on being able to tell my husband that I was tired, that I needed to change positions, to tell him that I wasn’t sexually satisfied or even when I was in pain.
In purity culture teachings, sexual pain for women is normalized. Men’s satisfaction is given priority over women’s pleasure and well-being, and that is so incredibly dangerous and wrong.
If you are experiencing pain during intercourse, know that that is not something you just have to endure. It is not your duty as a woman nor is it God’s intention for you. Please seek help.
Although my husband is the sweetest, gentlest guy, and he prioritizes my pleasure and well-being, I still have had to navigate through the process of rejecting direct and indirect narratives that were neither aimed at protecting me nor serving my husband, but merely on empowering misogyny.
I’m still processing through all the whys of this, but although my husband constantly expresses that I am equal to him, that my opinions are needed and highly valued, that I deserve an equal say in everything, I have still found myself asking his permission for things.
I’ve had to work on changing, “Can I…” to “I’m going to….”, on changing “Could we get….” to “We need….” or “I want….”.
Why have I had to work through this?
The purity culture teaches that women are under the authority of their fathers and then of their husbands, that women’s opinions have less value than men’s.
This is not necessarily what I was directly taught, but I realize that I have been influenced by the toxicity of these teachings.
I was never told that men’s opinions and actions matter more, but I’ve been continually, whether in my own life or through media, exposed to men who think they deserve a platform merely because of their gender and not because they actually are saying anything of value.
A man helping out at home, taking care of kids, being willing to move or make other adjustments to accommodate his wife’s career is seen as a hero.
A woman who does the same for her husband is just seen as doing her duty as a wife…nothing special.
I chose to change my life completely and move across the world because of my love for and trust in my husband.
I am beautiful. I am strong. I am heroic. I am worthy of honor and respect.
As my husband and I continue our healing journey, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Even if you have truths in your mind, and you struggle to always operate according to them, know that there is nothing wrong with you.
Take time to rest and process things. Write if that is what your soul needs. And keep making choices to prioritize your health, well-being, and joy over and over again.
I’ll be here cheering you on.
Have a wonderful day,
Susannah
"I am beautiful. I am strong. I am heroic. I am worthy of honor and respect." Yes you are ALL those things, Susie! God bless you, my friend! Love ya, Girl!