The truth is that I don't know if everything will be ok. Yet, I do know that you are strong. I do not know when the challenges will end, the obstacles lessen. Yet, I want you to know that you can trust yourself. Whatever you are facing, you are not the cause of the pain you've endured. Your desire to change does not require you to be trapped in condemnation of self, identity, perfectionism. You are not the reason pain has continued. You are the reason you have made it this far. Don't give up. Don't give in.
In some ways, I have blamed myself for the problems that my husband and I have faced in the past year. "If I had done this or that differently, such and such would not have happened." "If I hadn't done or said this or that, things would have gone better." "If I had been there, I could have stopped whatever went on." "I'm praying wrong, acting wrong, doing the wrong thing." Carrying the burden of those feelings on top of everything else we have faced has been so incredibly painful. Recently, I decided to chart out the strongest, most noticeable episodes and reactions that my husband has gone through. I discovered that they occurred in somewhat of a regular pattern. This discovery brings me hope in that I have been able to share my collection of data with the doctor to help her in her work and, although it is hard to convince every part of my mind and heart, there is comfort in knowing in even part of my essence that I did not cause our trials nor is anything I'm doing allowing them to continue. Yes, there are things that I have learned, things that I am changing, new realizations and awakenings, but no, I should not have had to carry self blame, to constantly worry that I was or would do something wrong. We will keep moving forward. We choose to love and trust ourselves. We choose to love and trust each other. May you experience hope, love, peace, and fulfillment as you navigate through life. May you know that you are strong and that you are not alone. I'm here for you, and I thank you for all the support you've given me. Have a wonderful day, Susannah
Wise words, Susie! & NO, you did not cause ANYTHING to happen that has happened to Sam & you! I'm glad you have figured that out & believe it. :) I'm so glad you started charting Sam's condition, I'm sure that will help his doctor in his treatment! Keep listening to God's Voice, keep up the POSITIVE self-talk, & keep sharing your wise beyond your years writings with us! :) Love ya!